One of my strangest memories from childhood consists of just a few dreamlike minutes, at some type of family party. It occurs in a church basement, probably the Orthodox Church of my great-grandmother. The room is filled with laughter, and I'm walking around with my grandfather, as he introduces me to what seems like a hundred relatives. They all have beautifully tan skin, with hair darker than my own. There is a group of people dancing in a circle, with 'Auntie Ursula' on the end, holding a vibrantly colored handkerchief. I suppose it was some type of holiday, or maybe a religious feast. Today, maybe fourteen years later, I am still overwhelmed with the sense of belonging which all the people seemed to feel; they were completely at ease. It was one of the few occasions I have witnessed where the elder members of my family were completely calm and happy.

My grandfather is a first-generation Turkish-Armenian American, whose childhood was filled with tales of beheadings, slaughters of entire families, and daughters raped and murdered as their fathers were forced to watch. His parents were survivors of the Armenian Genocide, the first 'ethnic cleansing' of the twentieth century. They experienced horrors which I, as a third-generation partial Armenian, will never understand. The stories are so painfully vivid in the mind of my relatives that my intelligent, talkative grandfather feigns ignorance, and claims he doesn't "feel like talking right now" whenever I mention the subject. The atrocities of the Armenian Genocide have profoundly affected the survivors each generation born afterwards.

Armenian people throughout the world are connected by a single thread: the common knowledge that their ancestors faced unimaginable tortures. Throughout history the Armenians have been persecuted because of their Orthodox Christian religion, or sometimes just because of the location of their homeland. Surrounded by the often warlike Turkish, Iranians, and Soviets, Armenia has found it nearly impossible to be a peaceful, independent country. Most older Armenian-Americans are suspicious of others, as if they still expect to be persecuted for their culture. The many trials of the Armenian people, especially the Armenian Genocide of 1915-1922, will always way upon the minds of the survivors of these experiences, and has molded their personalities.

Nearly all citizens of the United States are aware of their family's country of origin, yet very few would feel comfortable returning to that unknown land. Most people would claim their nationality to be American; their heritage the culture of their ancestors. Now, imagine the feelings of confusion and disbelief we would feel if the Native Americans suddenly decided we weren't welcome in their country anymore, that we must be eliminated in whatever means necessary. No form of death would be too gruesome; it wouldn't matter how many centuries your family had been living in their homeland. Your destruction would simply be a necessary part of the plan to improve the situation of their own race. America will probably never experience a situation such as this. The Armenian people however, cannot claim such good fortune.

As Orthodox Christians inhabiting rich, fertile farmland, the Armenians were often seen as a terrible nuisance by their Muslim neighbors. The "Armenian Question," or what should be done about the Armenians, was often on the minds of their rulers, as well as the foreigners which inhabited Armenia. The Question is said to have started in 1071 when the Turkish began to "systematically settle in Armenia." (Bournoutian 88). Armenia had been invaded several times before 1071, but the invaders had never so actively established themselves in the country. As a result of the colonization of Armenia, and the many Diasporas and pogroms of the invaders, Armenians were not the majority in many parts of their homeland. Many Armenians simply chose to leave the country for a better life; they felt the poor, unindustrialized country had little to offer. My own family cannot even recall how many hundreds of years ago they left Armenia for the western part of Turkey. It is unknown to anyone if my ancestors left due to the lack of economic opportunity in Armenia, or if they were forced out during a Diaspora. This is a common among Armenians and other Christians who were controlled by the Ottoman Empire.

For centuries the Christians of Ottoman Turkey, who resided in Armenia and the Balkans, were terribly oppressed. The "Eastern Crisis," or how to remedy the situation of these Christians, was debated by Europeans for some time before they attempted to help liberate the people. Unlike most of the Balkans, the Armenians did not seek independence from the Empire. The spokesmen for the Armenians wished only for a more "stable and fair" government. Most of the Armenian leaders resided in cities outside of Armenia, such as Constantinople, Smyrna, Cairo and Moscow. It was the peasants of Armenia who suffered most; the businessmen of the cities were removed from their countrymen both geographically and culturally. They did not experience the poverty, discrimination, and pogroms and so could not sympathize with the peasants(Bournoutian 85). Most were not even fully aware of the terrible position the majority of the Armenians faced. For centuries Armenians leaders never felt the need to break away from the Empire. They did not trust Russia or its Orthodox Church, and so fiercely defended their Turkish rulers.

When however the Armenian leaders became aware of the treatment of the peasants residing in the interior of the country, they began to take drastic action. During the 1877 Russo-Turkish War the Armenians fiercely supported the Russians, often joining the army as it passed through Turkey. By 1878 most of western Armenia had been liberated, and the Russian army was positioned to invade Constantinople. At this time, the Turkish government agreed to negotiate, and the Treaty of San Stefano was drafted. This treaty was later denounced by the British, and so the Eastern Crisis was taken care of during the secret meetings of the British, Austrians, Russians and Turks. In July 1878 the Treaty of Berlin was adopted; it supposedly ended the Eastern Crisis. The treaty also answered the eight-hundred year old "Armenian Question"(Bournoutian 91). By dividing Armenia between Turkey and Russia, the Berlin Congress finally decided how to control the Armenians and their land.

The Armenian leaders did not find the answer satisfactory. During the next fifteen years, feelings of revolution rose among the Armenians. As a result of this, the sultan of Turkey ordered The Massacres of 1895-1896. Approximately 150,00 people in six provinces of Armenia were killed, and another 1.5 million were left homeless(Bournoutian 95). Over 700 miles away, in Constantinople, my great-grandfather was born. For some reason John Aydinian was never persecuted, though he lived in the capital of the Ottoman Empire. My grandfather has always guessed the Turks had left the common Armenians of Constantinople alone to avoid bloodshed "in their own backyard."

About three-hundred miles away in Smyrna however, the people had quite a different experience. Around 1900 my great-grandmother Armenouhi Carafian was born to a successful businessman and traditional Armenian Orthodox housewife. We think that her three sisters, Rosa, Vartouhi and Ankin were older than her, but it is possible she was the third born. In Armenia, Saint's Days, not birthdays are celebrated, so Armenouhi never knew her real birthday. For some reason, she also was unsure of the year of her birth, or Ankin's. My grandfather thinks that they were less than a year apart, and so were raised as if they were the same age. Around the 1950s he attempted to have his mother's birth certificate sent to America from Turkey, but any records of her existence had been engulfed in flames decades before. Armenouhi died in 1990; my grandfather will never know his own mother’s birthday. Unfortunately, this has been experienced by many Turkish-Armenian immigrants. The Turkish wasted no time in covering up the details of the millions of Armenians inhabiting their country during the Genocide.

By the turn of the century the Ottoman Empire had begun to decline, and corruption flourished. The Sultan was forced to relinquish power to the "Young Turks," a liberal reformist party striving for a "multi-ethnic state of Turkey." Unfortunately, between 1908-1913 the goals of the Young Turks changed; the decided a state of "Turks alone" would be far more beneficial to them (Fact Sheet: Armenia). Between the years of 1915-1922 the "Young Turk" government of the Ottoman Empire attempted the first extermination of a race in this century. During the Armenian Genocide approximately 1.5 million Armenians were murdered, roughly 65% of the world's population at the time(Papazian 28). After 3000 years, the Armenians were no longer welcome on their ancestors land, and so the carnage began. Armenians soldiers were first "disarmed, placed into labor battalions, and then killed"(Fact Sheet: Armenian Genocide). On April 24,1915 the Turkish government gathered together "six-hundred Armenian leaders, writers, thinkers, and professionals in Constantinople" to be "deported and killed' (The Armenian Genocide-General Information). That same day five thousand destitute Armenians throughout Turkey were slaughtered in their own homes. Entire families were butchered at the very street corners where their young children used to play together. Those unfortunate enough to survive were told they would be relocated. Often denied food and water, these people were to march to the Turkish concentration camps between Jerablus and Deir ez-Zor. Burning in the sun, the Armenians slowly died of thirst, or at the brutal hands of the guards. Officials handling the elimination along the Black or Aegean Sea had a much simpler task: they merely placed the Armenians on barges, and sent them out to sea. They sunk to their deaths tied together like animals (The Armenian Genocide-General Information 2).

Unlike her future husband, my great-grandmother was living in an area the Turks found suitable to ravage. Desperate for their lives, she and her entire family fled Smyrna around 1915. They joined a caravan of people heading for Armenia, seeking refuge in a homeland they had never seen. At some point her parents passed away, or were killed. I don't know if it occurred before or during the flight, my grandfather has 'forgotten' this information. I'm guessing she traveled with aunts and uncles, he didn't want to talk about this period whatsoever. My grandmother recalls vivid descriptions Armenouhi had told her throughout the years; they are truly astonishing. Malnourished and weak, she walked from sunrise to sunset, dreaming about clean drinking water. Food was difficult to obtain, everyone was hungry. Armenouhi told my grandmother that "if it looked like food we ate it, a piece of bread, fruit, I would just put it in my mouth" (Grandmother's Interview) People would literally collapse while walking from lack of food and water. And the others had to just keep walking.

At some point during her journey Armenouhi tripped, badly twisting her ankle. She told no one, terrified that they would make her stop walking. It never healed properly and she spent the next seventy-five years shuffling her feet, with a severe limp. In the 19705 , my grandmother had Armenouhi's leg x-rayed, to discover what had occurred during the journey. The doctor immediately discovered the deformed ankle had been broken and never set correctly. Armenouhi had not even known the injury was serious at the time. She said that "I fell.. there was no time.. .1 was scared and kept walking"(Grandmother's interview) She was so scared for her life, I don't think the pain even registered in her mind. Walking was the only thing that mattered.

No one in my family is sure if Armenouhi ever reached Armenia, though I highly doubt that she walked the eight hundred miles to the border. Upon reaching her final destination, Armenouhi was placed in a French orphanage, as did the children of many victims. Her three sisters departed for America almost immediately, to live with an uncle. While there, they recited Armenian poetry, and told of the plight of their people at fund raising demonstrations throughout New York. Vartouhi eventually married a wealthy jeweler, who had Armenouhi located and sent for In 1919 my great-grandmother arrived in New York. She stayed with her sister in Queens for about a year, until a marriage was arranged for her with John Aydinian.

John also came to America in 1919, after spending two years as an interpreter for the U. S. in World War I. He worked for his father at the family printing business in Manhattan. Armenouhi did not know him very well, but did not have many other options. The two were married in 1920, and had my grand father, Richard, about two years later. Their son Armen was born in 1923, then John in 1925. Harold, the youngest, was born in 1927. My great-grandfather obtained a better job and the family moved from Manhattan to a diverse community in Queens. The years during the depression were difficult for Armenouhi. The family would eat nothing but lentils for weeks at a time; to this day my grandfather laughs at me for eating lentil soup over beef. He can't comprehend someone voluntarily eating them. The family occasionally had some money, and Armenouhi would prepare the baklava, dolma, beroug and shis-kebobs of her homeland. But these times were few and far between in the Aydinian household.

Unlike many Armenians, my grandfather does not recall ever living in a "Little Armenia." Becoming "odars"(Mirak 144), or non-Armenians, was not a very great threat to my great-grandparents. From what I have heard, they were desperate to put the past behind them. Unfortunately, the Genocide was "...not something that one can put aside and say that it has happened in the past and should be forgotten because one cannot do that...those ghosts won't go away"(Hovanissian 183). No matter how they tried to forget their experiences, my great-grandparents were forever changed by them. The "survivor syndrome"(Hovanissian 178) was manifested in almost all aspects of their everyday life.

Though she desperately tried to maintain a 'normal' household for her children, Armenouhi was constantly struggling with past memories. At times, she would become unable to deal with everyday life, and have to lie down--for a week. This "reactive depression"(Havanissian 178) is a common syndrome of the survivor syndrome, especially among those who witnessed the events during childhood or adolescence. They become consumed with thoughts of the past, and are incapable of functioning in the present. As she grew older, Armenouhi's states of depression would be replaced by outbursts of rage. My grandmother recalls one particularly shocking outburst that occurred after the two of them saw a news segment about the death of some Turkish people during a riot. The normally reserved Armenouhi suddenly shouted out "GOOD, GOOD! KILL THEM ALL!"(Grandmother's interview) and then burst into tears of rage. As the years progressed, these sudden outbursts would become more and more frequent. This too often occurred in survivors of the Genocide. In a way, she seemed to regress in her old age, as if she were reliving the past. She once again became absolutely petrified with anyone of the Turkish race. Armenouhi was incredibly suspicious of anyone who even appeared to be Turkish. She wouldn't go near them, and felt they were "no good. very, very bad"(Grandmother's interview). My mother remembers such mutterings occurring frequently during her childhood. The woman honestly could not think of one admirable quality of the Turkish; she just couldn't look past the pain they had inflicted upon her.

While Armenouhi was deeply scared by her flight from the Turks, her experiences inadvertently helped her survive other difficult parts of her life. Around the mid 1930s John left Armenouhi for an Armenian neighbor. He then moved to Washington D. C.; the boys saw little of him after that. Occasionally he would send a check for Armenouhi, but it was the Depression. Armenouhi, like many Armenians, did not believe in welfare of any kind. They have a very strong survival instinct, and are incredibly stubborn and proud. Because of their experiences throughout the ages, a problem as small as poverty does not upset them much. They somehow always manage to get by (Grandfather's interview). During her interview, my grandmother stated "Never in my life have I seen a woman so determined and emotionally strong. .her hard life was to her advantage there." Armenouhi was never disheartened by a situation, no matter how grave it seemed. She knew she had survived the unimaginable, and that anything else life offered would be incomparable. The strength of her determination and refusal to admit to defeat was obvious to all who knew Armenouhi.

As a young child, my grandfather and I would visit his mother almost every Sunday. She could barely speak at this point, and rarely remembered my name. I could never forget her walk however. Stooped over, and swaying to the side, she would quickly shuffle her child-size feet, refusing to make anyone wait for her. The events that handicapped her body at such a young age also made her stubborn enough to survive such a difficult life are unimaginable to me. They occurred so long ago, they almost seem unreal at times, as if such things don't really happen. Such feelings can quickly be rejected though; all I have to do is observe my grandfather for a time. It's amazing how the experiences of his parents can still affect him so powerfully today, though they took place years before his birth. His actions, attitudes, thoughts and personality have always been influenced dramatically by his parents' ordeals.

The American children of Genocide survivors had very confusing childhoods. Their parents' hatred of the Turkish has been instilled in them, yet as Americans they are taught that "all men are created equal." They were bombarded with gruesome stories throughout childhood, and then expected to lead normal lives, completely unaffected by their culture's past. Many have a "sense of shame and guilt for having survived" or believe they do not have the right to be "happy and cheerful"(Hovanissian 181). The children feel unworthy to be alive and happy when so many others perished in the land they have never known. As the oldest son in a single-parent household during the Great Depression, my grandfather's life was made even more difficult. His culture stated woman must not work, that they have to be provided for. He admired his mother for her strength and courage in the past, yet still felt like he had to take care of her. To this day, most of my grandfather's "quirks" can be explained simply by evaluating his childhood.

As a young man, my grandfather developed a strong work ethic, attending school and working full time when he was barely a teenager. He felt he had to earn his happiness, and truly appreciate the life he had been given. At seventy-six he is still working twenty hours a week at Adelphi University Library, though he 'retired' from teaching in 1980. He is also obsessed with providing for all of his children, even though the youngest is thirty-three, with two sons. The man shops about four hours a week, and is furious if my mother buys something at the supermarket that he already had. It is like he feels she betrayed him by not letting him fulfill his duty as a father to take care of her. He cannot let go of these roles he has assumed for himself, he has created some unattainable standard to live up to, so he can feel that he has earned his chance at life.

As mentioned earlier, my grandfather still refuses to talk about certain aspects of his mother's life, and even quickly brushed over some parts of his own. My interview with him left me with more questions than answers. I often wondered if he was lying to save us both from the pain he knew the stories would inflict. At times, I would have questions about a particularly gruesome subject which another family member had told me about. My grandfather, who remembers the statistics of tennis players he coached thirty years ago, who can recite every final grade he received in all six years of college, would claim to not remember. Granted, he is seventy-six years old, but he has never had a problem with his memory. He honestly cannot bear to talk about these things; they are still too painful.

The Armenian Genocide has affected my grandfather's children and his brother's children in very different ways. This could be because my grandfather never spoke of it. My mother's cousin Linda, whose father was much more open about the past, is highly aware of her Armenian heritage. The members of her family seems to feel anger more than anything else. They are furious the Genocide was never acknowledged by the Turkish Government Linda, a calm, rational adult, will literally start screaming like a child about the situation whenever prompted. She longs for the Turkish Government to "acknowledge the reality and validity of (her) past" (Hovannisian 182). With my mother, who seems to have a calmer personality, the affects are extremely subtle. I have noticed her stubborn support of the underdog,' no matter how impossible their situation. She believes any situation can be overcome, as long as you persevere, a thought much like those of my great-grandmother. My mother doesn't seem to be aware of this similarity, but I find it easy to recognize. I truly think the life of her grandmother has inadvertently influenced her thoughts in ways she is not yet conscious of.

It is still difficult to ascertain the major results of the Genocide on my generation. My eldest cousin is only nineteen, and none of our parents have really emphasized the Armenian culture. Personally, I think becoming aware of the circumstances my family has lived through makes me more sympathetic to others in need. I always seem to be more worried and aware of others' situations than friends are. This could just be my personality type though. I do know being an a descendent of a Genocide survivor makes me absolutely repulsed against any type of prejudice against anyone for being a little 'different.' I simply do not understand it, and become disillusioned with all of society whenever I witness anything which I even perceive to be an unjustified judgment of anyone. Still, it is probably to early to state this will be the Genocide's effect upon my generation.

Perhaps the Genocide's greatest effect upon al! the descendants is the confusion it has created. I have always felt I would never understand the older members of the Armenian side of my family. They lived through such gruesome events. How could I ever hope to comprehend how this changed them, what it means for them to be Armenian? I have never had any experiences which come close to those which forever changed my relatives. I think most Armenian-Americans, my grandfather included, feel this way. We were never tortured, we have never seen the beauty of Mount Errata, or the shores of the Black Sea. So we seek to know a homeland our ancestors were forced out of centuries before, a place which lives on in a tattered family scrapbooks, or an old letter which no one remembers how to read anymore. And we yearn to understand how we are so connected to this place and to the events which occurred there, though we have never experienced either. The Genocide has profoundly affected the lives of all Armenians who survived, as well as their descendants. I believe such powerfully disturbing events will influence countless generations to come.
 

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