My sister Sarah’s graduation from the eighth grade was very exciting and nerve racking for the entire family. Since Sarah is the oldest of the grandchildren and/or cousin, she was quite anxious to experience for the first time what a graduation would be like. My whole family was filled with emotions to witness the oldest graduate. Sarah was also filed with emotions, not all coming from her ending grammar school career. She knew that on that day, family that had conflicts with one another was to come together.

The conflict started in October of 1992 when my aunt Amy, my father’s sister,married a man named Bill Sheluck. They married in a church in Bronxville witnessed by about one hundred and fifty people. My entire immediate family was lucky enough to participate in the wedding. My mother was the matron of honor, my sisters and I were junior bridesmaids and my father gave Amy away. By this statement about my father I’m sure you can figure out that Amy’s father was not there to share in the joy and celebration. Amy’s mother and four sisters (plus their families) were not present either.  My father was the only member of Amy’s immediate family who attended the marriage ceremony.

The reason for the absence of the rest of Amy’s family was what I would call an absurd reason. A reason that still bothers me to this day. A reason that shows strictly following the Catholic rules can hurt much more than can cause any good. The reason was Bill was a divorced man. And, according to the Catholic Church, this was wrong. Being the second wife was just not heard of or accepted in my family, being the strict Catholics they are, therefore disowning Amy and her future family.

The one point I would like to make about the disowning of Amy due to Bill is; Bill was a part of Amy’s life many years before he caused a problem. They had known each other for over ten years and Bill was a big part of our family’s life for about five of those ten years. Within that time, he was well liked, respected, and accepted, that is until Amy said she was going to marry him. All of the sudden everyone turned against Bill and the whole relationship. For if Amy married Bill, she would disgrace the family. So ended the relationship between Amy and her family.

However my father refused to end any relationship he had with Amy. He was the only one who stood up for her because he believed she had done nothing wrong. My father liked Bill and very highly approved of him and the marriage. Because of this, we continued seeing Amy and continued being a big part of her life.

Although we continued our relationship with Amy, we did the same for the rest of my father’s family. Although it was difficult, we lived almost a split life. I remember feeling uncomfortable talking about Amy when I was in the presence of my father’s family. I know an eleven-year-old girl should never feel that way when in her family’s home, but I did.  Since feeling so awkward, and wanting to avoid that feeling, I chose never to bring Amy up at my grandparent’s house or my grandparents when in the presence of Amy.

Although feeling the uneasiness around me, I still did not comprehend the idea of something being wrong. I never really understood why Amy was never around with the rest of the family. I just thought she was busy. It was only at my cousin’s communion did I find out Amy was no longer invited or wanted. At my cousin’s communion, I was sitting on the couch at my aunt Anne’s house just watching my family with nothing much on my mind. As I gazed around the room, I noticed that Amy was not there. Wanting an answer to why she was not around, I went right to my mother. I knew I would get a straight answer out of her. So, I asked her," Mommy, where is Amy?" Her response to me was, "Anne didn’t want Amy to come, she had a fight with the family." I walked away satisfied with the answer I received which made me realize more about what was
going on within my family. Even at the age of eleven, I was able to put two and two together. I came to the conclusion that Bill coming into Amy’s life and the closeness they formed with each other had a great deal to do with why Amy no longer was allowed to participate in family affairs.

This "split life" went on for quite a long time. Weekends and holidays were spent alternating between Amy and the others, trying to satisfy them both. But as this was continuing, I was getting older, realizing the complications of the relationship between my parents and my grandparents. Gradually their relationship started to deteriorate. Not because my parents wanted it that way, but because my grandparents thought we were choosing Amy and Bill over them. So what used to be "stop by anytime" became "call first" or "lets all get together" to "we are too tired to go out or have company." My grandmother said this to my mother, as well as, other small similar changes. No change was big enough to alter the relationship until Sarah’s graduation.

Since my parents were still in contact with both Amy and the rest of my father’s family, both were invited to celebrate with Sarah on her special day. My mother was nervous about the whole thing, not knowing what to expect. For Sarah’s sake, she kept a level head. Even I knew, at age twelve that this event would be a big step in determining the family’s relationship with each other for years to come.

The night started out wonderfully. We all gathered in the church pews and greeted each other warmly and respectable. My aunts, grandparents, along with Amy and Bill all were attended. Everything seemed to be going smoothly until the kiss of peace. As everyone was exchanging kisses and handshakes, my grandfather refused to shake Amy and Bill’s hands. As to not cause a scene, especially for Sarah’s sake, this gesture was ignored. But what my grandparents and aunts did next would not go unnoticed.

After communion, my grandparents and aunts felt they were not wanted there, so they left. They said nothing as they walked silently out the doors of the church. I did not even find out that they were gone until the ceremony ended and we were all gathered outside. Unfortunately, Sarah found out then as well. I had to turn away from her so as not to see the tears fill her eyes and slowly roll down her cheeks. She was heartbroken, as was I. Her special day was spent crying in the bathroom. Everything was ruined.

Enraged, my father ended the already shaky relationship with his parents and other siblings. He immediately stopped talking to them. The only contact we had with them after they left was some vicious letters addressed to my mother sent by my aunts and grandparents. Although being my father’s family, my mother received the letters. In the Irish Catholic household, the woman is looked upon as the head of the family. Believing in this, my family sent letters to my mother thinking she was the dominate power in the home. Within these letters were no apologies and no explanations, just criticisms of my family and placing the blame on them. After these few notes, communication stopped completely. Five years flew quickly by.

At a funeral in the summer of 1998, the relationship between my immediate family and that of my father’s family became alive once again. I was not present at the funeral so the reason for this change is unknown to me. Maybe, my parents wanted my brother to get to know his family and form relationships with his cousins, or maybe they just wanted to let everything go and start fresh. For whatever reason it was, I had my family back.

Having my family back was not necessarily a good thing for me. I had many mixed feeling and emotions about the whole thing. I had lived without them for so long that I no longer even thought about them. I just was not sure I wanted them back in my life. They had missed so much of a very tender part of my life. They missed my graduation from both the eighth grade and high school, not to mention friends, boyfriends, and even the excitement of being accepted into all my colleges. They knew nothing about me anymore for I was grown up and not the little girl they remembered me as. I have become my own person with my own thoughts and views, having no influence from
them. Being happy with who I was, and my life in general, I found no desire to start a relationship with them. I had no desire to go through another big change within the family. They had no part in my adolescent development and therefore, I was unsure if I wanted them to be a part of my adulthood.

By analyzing this situation more and more, I came to the conclusion that what happened within my family was somewhat of a blessing to me. Since entering the family for the second time with the eyes and mind of an eighteen-year-old, I realized that I was untouched by my grandparent’s concrete thoughts and inflexible views. I see now that I am much more open minded and relaxed about issues we deal with in the world, especially religion, that my grandparents have strict beliefs about.

The views we differ most upon are that of our faith. Although still being a very Catholic girl, I find I lean much more toward the liberal side than the rest of my family.  Religion is still very important to me, as well as, my family. It has influenced my actions, behaviors, and helps keep my morals alive. Religion has allowed me to believe in hope, love, and the good of people. But, however faithful, I object to certain rules of my religion, or rather the rules of the institution. My family does not share these views with me. Being Irish Catholics, they obey all the church has to say, causing conflicts within myself as to what I think of their views and beliefs. By looking at the Irish Roman
Catholic  views of religion in my family, I can see that close-mindedness and blindness with modern issues became apparent. This shaped the argument within myself about whether these views should be possessed by what a "true Catholic" should be.

Maurice O’Connell came from Ireland around 1914 at the young age of seventeen. He left his homeland for what is known to be personal reasons. He just wanted to get away from his family and set out on his own. Since America was the land of opportunity, he set out for the United States. Once reaching his destination he got a job as a ship guard and worked on the docks. The following year, my grandmother, Catherine O’Driscoll, came to the United States as a housekeeper. Originally, her sister was to have that job, but fell ill. Catherine took her place. Once in the states, my grandparents met, although I don’t know how, and married. They settled in New York City in an apartment on 198^th street. They had an easy time adjusting to the American way of life because they both spoke English and settled in an area that was dominated by Irish immigrants. But lthough they settled easily, they always counted on their religion as a haven. As in
reland, the Catholic religion provided a safe place and played a big part in their lives. They had crucifixes and religious statues all over the house. They went to the church very Sunday and were very obedient to the values and rules the church made. They knew nothing else but to be obedient to the church. They centered their beliefs and values strictly on the Irish Roman Catholic Church. They had no thought or difference of opinion when it came to their religious institution. They even carried on these beliefs to their children, one of whom was my grandmother. Their children did the same, and so on. Thus becoming the typical Irish Roman Catholic family.

The primary culture force of the Irish Americans is the Catholic Church, just like it is in Ireland. Early missionaries in Ireland established a strong church which became tied to recovering Irish heritage. Irish national unity developed mainly around this religion and the loyalty to the church. (McGoldick, 3)

In the early church in Ireland, a French mystical movement called "Jansenism" dominated the Irish church. This movement emphasized a great deal on personal holiness, and condemned the evil nature and untrustworthy instincts of human beings. Because of this, the Irish soon became rigid, authoritarian, judgmental, and very moralistic. (McGoldrick, 3) " The rigid persona of the church led to that of the Irish family, as well as, giving them a moralistic vision and a tendency of righteousness." (McGoldrick, 4) The church dominated the context of Irish families and became the most influential thing that has touched the families of the American Irish. Because of the church’s demand for absolute obedience, to its rules, Irish families looked at breaking the rules or even bending them as a pure sin. Therefore all or most of Irish Catholic families became concrete and close minded to any action or situation that dared to question the church’s decisions. (Kelley,
42)

Since following the church so strictly, changes were hard to take for the Irish. So, Vatican II was difficult and very stressful to most Irish Roman Catholics. For their whole lives they were raised with the security that there was a clear definite source of authority.  Now, since Vatican II, they could have more opinions and decide issues for themselves.  But, not being able to stay neutral in all aspects of religion, many Irish Catholics retreated back into the old ways, thinking they would be "holier" if they did so. (Kelley, 91)Despite just the struggles in change, The Irish Catholics also struggled with their sense of sin and guilt. The Irish Catholics are very inflexible in their views. They tend to view people as one way or the other, moralistically. They see someone as good or bad, strong or weak, victim or villain. And if they consider someone to be bad, the basic Irish character is said to believe that he/she will suffer deservedly for his/her sins. (McCaffrey, 32)

Irish Catholic families or individuals do not seem to understand if the rules of  the church are not followed strictly and precisely, that has no relevance to whether you are a "true Catholic" or a bad one. The Irish Catholic glorifies the church to such an extent that they are blinded as to how they are treating others, by just following the rules. They tend to believe that if the church says something is a sin, there is no moving around that sin, therefore looked down upon and in some cases even disowned those who went against the rules. But, do following the rules really make you a "true Catholic"?

My family believes the church is everything. They follow the rules precisely and have the perception that by doing this, they are following God’s plan and therefore being true  to Him. They think nothing of the people they hurt in order to follow these rules, not even their own family. By knowing this about them I see how "typical" my family is when it comes to Irish Roman Catholic views. They have a "holier than thou" persona that allows them to think they can judge a person on aspects of religion. They do not understand the concept of personal religion. Since they do not understand personal faith, they will never care for others as they are supposed to. Although thinking they are so good in following the rules of God, they are actually breaking them. They are not "true Catholics" as they believe to be, what "true Catholic" would disown flesh and blood
because of a divorce?

My parents raised me to be what I believe is a good Catholic girl. But, by being this I do not believe it has the same meaning as my father’s family believes it to be. Although Catholic, I do not believe in all the church says, nor do I believe I am so religiously superior that I can condemn anyone or anything for having views that differ from my own. I see within myself that being a "true Catholic" is being good to yourself and having love and compassion for others. I believe true Catholicism has little to do with rules of institution. I see how much my family fits the stereotype of Irish Roman Catholics by putting so much emphasis on rules.

Although my family is a part of me, they do not influence me to follow their ways.  Instead, they influence me not to. As I grow older and hopefully have children of my own I will fight very hard for my family not to be typical Irish Catholics. I will allow them to have personal faith and not condemn them for any issues or views we do not agree upon. I have learned to have my liberal views from the hardships my family caused me, trying to be "true Catholics". And I will never allow my children to go through what I did, therefore keeping them open-minded and not typical. Irish Roman Catholics are not all "true Catholics" although they believe themselves to be. For how
could "true Catholics" let a wonderful family relationship fall to pieces over rules? I guess that graduation night long ago was much more beneficial than I thought.
 
 

Griffin, William D. The Irish Americans. New York: Levin Associates, 1998

Kelley, Bennet. Catholic Faith Today: A simple Presentation of Catholic Thought. New
York: Catholic Book Publishing, 1976

McCaffrey Lawrence J.  The Irish Catholic Diaspora in America. Washington D.C.
Catholic University of American Press, 1995

McGoldrick, Monica. "Irish Families." New Jersey: University of New Jersey Press,
1984

Reeves, Pamela. Ellis Island: Gateway to the American Dream. New York:
Michael Friedman Publishing, 1991

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